Sure Hope Our Baby Has a Butthole

Being pregnant means other women who have been down this path before you tell you EVERYTHING!

And wow, the things they tell.

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Here are Some of the Wonderful Things Women Have Told Me:

You never know what can go wrong.  Our son was born without a butthole. But it has worked out. They were able to make him one. It was hard for him in preschool though. You know.. he doesn’t have any control.

OMG. WHAT? Wait. WHAT?

Just wait until they’re in school. By seven they know all about sex and by twelve they’re having it. Don’t let your kids ride the bus.

WTF!

You know they stopped teaching handwriting in school, and how to read a clock. They can only read digital ones.

SERIOUSLY? So they learn how to give a BJ but can’t read a clock? OMFG.

I hope you make it to full term. We had our baby and it only lived for one hour. We held his little hand as he died.

WTF. OMFG!

You’re tall, so you’ll have to have an extra ultrasound at 30 or 32 weeks. I had to have one too, so did my other friend who was tall. My baby was fine but that’s when she found out she was having a dwarf.

WHAT?! Did it have a butthole?

Oh.. you want to go natural. Don’t try to be a hero. It’s going to tear open your vagina either way you go. Might as well not feel it. The stitches hurt the worst.

Nice.

We have to go to the hospital every week because our girl was born without a thyroid.

Seriously?

One mom told me I was going to hear a lot of these stories and suggested I start bitch slapping people. But it doesn’t really bother me all that much. I actually like hearing stories, especially about natural births.

But there is one thing that is now stuck in my mind – that missing butthole.

My husband was like:

No. That can’t happen. Can it? Why do you tell me these things? I don’t know if I want to know that. Now I have it in my head.

ME TOO!

I even joked about it on the phone with an agent (shoot me) and he laughed and then said, “I have a friend who doesn’t have a butthole.”

WTF. Seriously WTF.

I know things happen, you never know what you’ll get.

Will they be pretty? Will the be rich? Or will she or he be one serious bitch?

I don’t care.

I’m excited to have whatever clever little soul chose us as parents.

But seriously…

Whatever happens, I just hope to God our baby has a butthole.

Comments

  1. OMG I too hope it has a butthole. Now that you have that image and fear shared with everyone..We will all be waiting to hear if the baby has a butthole! Oh my gosh I can’t stop laughing.. Thanks I needed that today .. the laugh not the missing butthole

  2. catherine johnson says

    I must say, I laughed uncontrollably at your latest post. Thank you for allowing us to share in this experience with you. I, for one, will be praying that your baby is born with a butthole–and is otherwise healthy as well!

  3. I can’t…I just can’t! I can’t get this image out of my head now. Thanks!

  4. I have honestly never heard of no butt hole, but I will tell you that all my friends and I, when we had headaches during the pregnancy, we were sure we had brain tumors and they’d have to operate and our unborn child would suffer from the anesthesia. I share this because none of us told each other until AFTER the baby was born because on some level we knew it was totally ridiculous. So, sweet Angela, if you get a headache, you most probably most surely don’t have a brain tumor. Just have your husband massage your neck and feet for bit.
    Linda Bernstein recently posted…She Said Yes to the DressMy Profile

  5. I am a nurse midwife and I can tell you that babies are rarely born without what we call a “patent anus” (aka butthole that opens to the outside like it should). It is something we check for on every baby. I have never seen an imperforate anus… Easy for me to say, but I wouldn’t worry about it. Your baby will be pooping up a storm in no time. And it likely won’t have any random extra/missing parts. You are making a wonderful little baby there. Keep up your sense of humor! People will tell you all kinds of horror stories, and you’ve got to find some way to repel them, a psychic shield of sorts. No idea why people gravitate towards pregnant people with their scary birth/parenting stories. Sheesh.

  6. My husband and I were just talking about having kids. OMG! This is funny, and a bit scary. I hope your baby has a butthole too! But I might wait just a bit longer on trying to have kids. I’m a little damaged by this info and might need a little time to heal.

    • HAHAHAHA – I hear ya sister. After hearing all that we decided to quit trying and get goats and BAM – pregnant!

  7. Sweet supportive advise. It’s not like you are hormonal, emotional, and have enough to keep you up at night. (for me it was, “Raf (my husband) what if I have a girl? What am I going to do with all that princess peer pressure?” I sobbed about it over and over again…
    All I can tell you is all sorts of weird stuff happens, if its (by it I mean the bloody noses the leg cramps etc), if it is not normal (like you have to be laid up for 3 weeks before delivery) get support and roll with it. As far as birth goes every women is a hero in her own mind and that’s OK. It hurt but its worth it and in the long run its really temporary (a broken bone hurts longer). Soooo…. that is all I have to say. 😛 Love you mama!
    Rebecca recently posted…Real Luna Moth Holiday Ornament 4" Ball Style Ornament with Actias Luna Butterfly Ornament by AthenianaireMy Profile

  8. Not to sound insensitive, but when I was pregnant, my husband and I always rationalized any of our budding fears with, “Crackwhores have babies all the time and a lot of them come out just fine!” I knew I was taking care of myself better than they were.

    I did natural w/baby #1, felt like a hero!!! And then did the comfy drugs w/baby #2 and felt like a hero and a Queen!

    Enjoy each day…you sound like you can handle whatever comes your way! Thanks for sharing w/us. Your baby’s bum will be adorable. -Lisa

    • You never sound insensitive on this blog talking about crack whores, I can assure you. I thought the same many times! Freaking crack whores and their hordes of babies was a frequent thought as we looked at monthy negative test strips. I said if we just went on welfare or I started doing heroine, we’d have hurried this train along a bit. Yeah, I said that. Yep.

      Let your full mouth open on this blog, go on and do it. You are forgiven. 🙂

  9. Hey hon!
    In my mind, any woman who tries to be conscious about childbirth is a hero!

    Here is what I learned regarding childbirth: however the experience goes, the more you are empowered in your decisions, the more the experience will give you power for motherhood, power you never knew you had.

    A friend of mine (who was pregnant at the same time I was) was uber-crunchy, and very, very focused on natural childbirth. Unfortunately, her baby was breach, and the trickiest kind of breach. She found midwives who will deliver breach, but when it came right down to it, none of their or her heroic efforts worked, and she had to deliver c-section. It was still a really empowering experience for her, though, because she had a supportive team who listened, she was super-informed, and she did everything she possibly could to have the birth she wanted before moving to plan B. She was able to calmly, and consciously, chose the surgery option, and it was an act of power.

    I was very fortunate with my birth. I had an awesome team… a midwife, two doulas and the baby daddy. I knew what I wanted, and I had spent a lot of time preparing. The thing that helped me with pain most was keeping the lights down, and rocking a lot to really trancy music that had NO beat (a couple songs in the collection had a beat–a drum– and when those came on was the only time I would get crabby–the jarring sound of rhythm would increase my pain, whereas rocking to the smooth music kept the pain down). The thing to remember about birth is that the hardest time is transition-when you are between 7-10cm dilated. This is the stage at which women are most likely to scream at their partners, or to feel despair. In this stage, your brain naturally wants to go into an altered state to cope (not dissociation, but trance–entirely over to the right side of the brain) and if you can allow it to do this (by not making yourself talk, by having a soothing environment, by rocking), your brain knows how to deal with the pain better than if you were trying to engage the left side of the brain. Birthing from Within is the best childbirth book I found, it talks about what I’m discussing, and gives you all kinds of personal-growth-y tips for helping to prepare for the experience. Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May is a close second as far as spiritual and holistic perspectives to childbirth.

    Part of the reason I wanted to have my birth naturally is because I know myself and know that I can cope better with pain than I can cope with helplessness. I didn’t want my baby effected by the epidural (or run the greater chances of complications that come with epidural), but my biggest reason was that with an epidural, you give up a lot of choices. You have to stay in bed, you have to push in a certain kind of way, you lose a lot of agency, and being helpless is a really big trigger for me. I wanted to have choices in what to do with my body, or I knew it could be traumatic for me. I did exercise my power of choice, my team supported me, and I got the birth I wanted! There was a little while that I felt that despair of “I can’t go on” but I did keep going on, and never once did I consider an epidural, because I still felt like the pain and despair was better than helplessness. Childbirth can really get you in touch with your core power, with your depth of strength.

    A few days after giving birth, when I was really high on all the shifting hormones (the first few days are loopy and goofy, partly because you are FLOODED with oxytocin… the best chemical on this earth), I had a vision of myself during birth. In this vision, my vagina opened up as the baby was coming out, and the entire Universe came into my uterus. All of the stars and cosmos were inside of me! I felt that the meaning of this vision was that, from the act of having an empowered birth, I allowed the power of the Universe to guide me and power my actions, and from this power, I would know how to do right by my daughter. I also got the sense that this is why women have the hormones we have… they are guidance for us… power. The parenting instincts are always there… I think they are strongest for women around the time of pregnancy and when the baby is an infant, and the more we listen to them and are guided by our knowings, the more that knowing sticks around and continues to be available. 🙂 Even for moms who have lost that sense of knowing, it’s re-findable. A couple years ago, I lost touch of that knowing, and it took some real work to re-find it, but it helped that I had allowed myself to be guided by the knowing for as long as I did, because I knew what I was looking for, and I found it again!

    Anyway… lots of love, Angela!!!! *squishes to you and your family!*

  10. Hi and a huge congrats on the pregnancy. I read your book Finding Angela Shelton a few years ago and have been a fan ever since. You are truly a woman of strength, courage and an incredible sense of humor. Anyway, I was stunned with the revelation that a baby could be born without a butthole and shared that info with a friend who was also stunned. She sent me this link the other day, http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/77-facts-that-sound-like-huge-lies-but-are-completely-true, (see #59 on the list) and so we began discussing it again. We hope your baby will have its butthole intact at birth but to put our minds at ease and not leave us “hanging” could you confirm that on your blog once things have calmed down after birth?
    Elizabeth recently posted…Vintage 1960s or 1970s Set of 6 Zodiac Pasties or Stickers in Original Package Aries by grandmothersatticMy Profile

    • Absolutely! Gotta do that drum roll announcement.

      Aww, glad you read Finding, that was another lifetime. I’m glad it reaches people still. Now I’ll have to be like, ah…, did you read Tilda Pinkerton? hehehe

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