Toxic Poo Poo, Sitting in Pee, and Puking at Panera’s


So I went on the road with my husband for the weekend.

One stop was in Rochester to raise money for the Planned Parenthood that runs all the Rape Crisis Centers too – yay.

That went fabulously. Thanks be to God that what came next waited until after the event was over.

We drove to New York City, Harlem to be more exact, for a birthday party right after the event. Yeah, no big deal driving 6 hours to see your best buds.

That all went fine. We got there late. Parking is WAYYYY cheaper in Harlem than it is in midtown by the way.

I immediately fell asleep, while my sweet husband talk to our friend about Obamacare.  Zzzzzzzz

Eat and Poo Poo First!

I woke up early to the sound of my friend starting the cooking process for her full day party.

I got up to help. I had to eat first, as pregnant ladies need to do. Then I had to poo.

All the warnings about the impending doom of hard to come by doo-doo are true!

Then I chopped and stirred and mixed and blurred – because I got dizzy all the sudden and had to leave the kitchen.

I sat down. Ate more. Tried to poo again. Nothing.

My husband took over the kitchen while I sat.

The Headache

The headache began just as people started arriving.

Every single guest had a kid from newborn to the age of 9.

The place was PACKED with New Yorkers and their well dressed offspring.

The table was lined with food and I snacked as I watched the kids and played with babies and heard MORE birth stories, both beautiful and horrifying.

I didn’t care. My headache raged on and I grinned through it.

The First Pee Pee

I headed to the bathroom for the 400th pee, unknowingly after one of the five-year-old boys had just left.

I hoped that maybe one more poo poo would follow, having theorized that my headache could be caused by the need to release!

I sat.

Into a circle of pee.

Yes, sat into not only a sprinkle but a circle of pee.

I was confused. Could that be a splash of water from someone violently washing their hands from the nearby sink?

Could a flush have created a titlewave onto the seat?

No. That was five-year-old pee I sat into.

I peed. No poo. Then I had to wash by butt. Yes, I had to wash my butt. And the seat.

The Second Pee

Not too long after that I had to pee, again. Surprised?

This time I was more cautious since I had waited in line for and saw with my own eyes one of the rambunctious five-year-old boys running from the bathroom.

There on the non-lifted-up seat was a ring of pee.

As if he had tried his best to NOT get it in the toilet but rather draw a pee picture on the seat – and some on the floor.

So, feeling slightly puky, I cleaned it all up, including his floor spillage.

I figured well, this is my future. Cleaning up pee while wishing I could poo.

Napping Amid Chaos

I gave up. No more smiling through the raging headache. I needed a nap. People forgive pregnant women.

I went into my friend’s room and just laid down.

Kids are somehow attracted to a sleeping pregnant woman.  The toy cars roared by my face. The video games clinked and clattered. The kids wrestled (yes, right over my head).

If you look at the picture above that my friend snapped you can see that even a baby was being changed at the foot.

Did any of it bother me? No. I was out. Like pregnant woman out. Zzzzzzzz

Plus, I was like really, I just sat in pee and didn’t get in my second poo in and still had a raging headache.

All I needed then was a good puke.

Puking at Panera’s

Little did I know what was in store for me just 45 min out of the city.

We had to escape New York since the NYC marathon was starting bright and early. It was either get on the road that night or be trapped in a city on lock down the next day. We hit the road.

I drove since my husband cannot stand the city and I know it well.

I only drove about 45 minutes before realizing that I needed food. Or poo. Or another pee.

I confused the GPS lady and pulled into Panera’s.

As we were waiting for our snack for the road I told my husband:

Oh shit. Wait. I gotta…

I rushed to the thank god empty bathroom at Panera’s and puked all over the seat.

I did the good deed of cleaning the seat before leaving.


(Like the worse of hangovers, this lovely surge of morning sickness that was nowhere near the morning took me almost two days to recover from.

I have not puked since and finally got a good poo in. Or out…)

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